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Week 37: Listening Fully Before Responding
QUESTION
Do you truly listen to friends, or mostly look for your turn to talk, respond, advise, or fix?
When a core friend (especially your wife!) shares something important, do they feel heard or managed?
STORY
Rick decided to intentionally go deeper with a friend or two, hoping to set a weekly meeting. He set up coffee before church with a possible deep friend. He pushed past his comfort zone to open up about some hurt and anger he was feeling toward someone. Halfway through, the guy jumped in with advice, Bible verses, and suggestions.
The conversation shut down pretty fast and Rick nearly gave up on his intentional friendship goal.
A few weeks later, Rick opened up for 30 minutes with another friend after pickleball. This time the friend listened patiently and with appreciation for Rick’s openness. He asked a couple of curious questions and kept on listening. No interrupting, advice, or quick fixes.
At the end, he simply said:
“Man, thanks for trusting me with that stuff. I can see why you’re carrying a lot. What’s the most important thing I can pray for you?”
Guess what Rick was feeling?
“The way he listened helped me more than all the advice. That’s the friend I want to talk to every week.”
People open up where they feel heard.
SCRIPTURE
James 1:19 – “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak…”[and slow to give advice!]
Galatians 6:2 – “Carry each other’s burdens…” [by listening, asking and hearing their heart. It’s often the best way to carry a burden, especially early on.]
EXAMINE SELF
Do I interrupt or rush people?
Do I listen to understand or mainly to respond?
Do I move too quickly into fixing mode?
Do my friends (and wife or kids) feel safe opening up to me?
QUOTE
“Listening well is one of the best ways to value and love someone.” — Jeff Kemp
TIP
When a friend (or wife) opens up:
Focus and stay curious.
Ask questions.
Reflect back what you hear in their heart.
Asking “anything else you wanna share?” usually helps more than trying to solve it.
Helpful responses:
“That sounds heavy.”
“Tell me more about it.”
“How’s that affecting you?”
“That sounds heavy. What’s the hardest part?”
“What’s most important that I can pray for you?”
COACHING
Men want support, but don’t want to be analyzed or managed. (aka feeling judged)
Listening creates safety. Safety fuels honesty. Honesty means living in the light of being known. It deepens true friendship.
You don’t always need the answer. Your presence, attention, and prayer matter more than your advice. Help your friend go to Father God to get His answers.
A listening friend helps carry burdens without taking control. Over time, with trust and after listening well, guiding one another to God and His word becomes a pattern of mutual discipleship to follow and grow in Jesus together.
ACTION STEP
With friends, and if you’re married, with your wife, make a goal this week simply to listen well with patience and curiosity, before responding.
COMMITMENT
I will slow down, listen fully, and care more about understanding than impressing, analyzing or advising.
HABIT
Before giving advice, ask at least two curious questions, fully hear the answer and reflect back so they know you heard. Then, ask for permission to offer perspective or advice. (WOW, my wife and sons would get a laugh from my giving this coaching, because it took me quite long to get a clue and do it!)
TALK & PRAY WITH FRIENDS
Ask a core friend if you listen well and how you can improve?
Listen fully. Ask if he’d like to share anything else. Thank him.
Also ask, “What’s important going on inside you or your life right now?” Briefly pray God’s best for him and ask God to help you listen well as a helpful friend.
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