Trust is the cornerstone of a healthy, lasting marriage. Most marriages start on a solid foundation of trust. In that honeymoon phase, our excitement for each other makes us act our best. But then, as we get comfortable, we let our real selves show. The selfishness we try to hide comes out. We start to test the trust of the marriage, in big ways or small. And once the trust has been breached, it’s much more difficult to build it back up.
That’s why building and maintaining trust is essential. Here are some key ways to foster trust in your marriage:
- Honest communication: Don’t hide information or shy away from difficult conversations. Share your thoughts and feelings openly. Be transparent with each other.
- Be reliable: Follow through on your promises and commitments, no matter how small.
- Listen actively: You can foster a sense of safety by validating each other’s feelings and perspectives, showing them empathy.
- Show vulnerability: Building emotional intimacy starts with allowing each other into the deepest parts of yourself—hopes, dreams, fears, all of it.
- Apologize and forgive: Mistakes happen. When trust is broken, a sincere apology and a willingness to make amends are essential. So is the forgiveness that allows both partners to heal and move forward.
Overcoming Challenges in Marriage
All of the behaviors I listed above will help you daily. But even if we know what we should be doing to build trust in marriage, it can be hard to wake up every day, focused and energized to carry it out.
For many of us, it takes a total mindset shift. In America, we’re conditioned to focus on consuming, which puts us and our needs at the center of our lives. But we need to think of ourselves as investors, willing to put our time and energy into our relationships to reap a rewarding, lifelong relationship.
When I was 24 years old, I figured I was fine. I married a beautiful, virtuous, and strong woman who behaved maturely. I entered the most important relationship in life unaware. I was thinking, She’s wonderful. I’m a good guy and I love her like crazy. Marriage will be easy. It’s gonna be fun—all the time. I was naïve, self-focused, and had more pride than self-awareness or desire to mature.
We both paid a price for my lazy approach. Even though we had a divorce-is-not-an-option commitment, there was too much friction and not enough fun.
We were two dominant leader-type personalities. But I didn’t think I needed to change. I thought our problems were her fault. I assumed she should want what I wanted. I didn’t see my faults or acknowledge when I hurt her feelings. I either laughed things off, sarcastically defended myself, or turned the table to criticize her tone in telling me how I’d disappointed her.
I was slow to wake up to the realities of my flaws and lack of empathy. Fortunately, our desire for a better marriage pulled us to seek help through mentors and marriage conferences.
Please don’t put off getting help like I did. There’s hope, freedom and progress ahead of you. There’s growing lifelong companionship with a woman who respects and loves you. Quit coasting as a consumer. Invest by listening, learning and continually improving, and let God initiate your transformation.
Strengthening Marriage Through Faith
All of this can sound daunting, but you don’t have to do it alone. Root yourself in your identity as a son of God. You might think of your behavior in the past and feel like a failure. But as God’s son, you’re deserving of love from God and capable of showing it to your wife—no matter how good or bad the example of marriage shown to you by your parents.
It might not feel like it, but you can change. Follow Jesus’ example of being a son to Father God. He prayed, spent time with God and abided in Him. By doing this, we can lose the ways of this world and become more like Him. Less consuming. More investing.
God specifically calls us out to be like his son in our marriages. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). Next time you have conflict with your wife, just think, “Am I loving her as Jesus loves me? Am I sacrificing what I think is important, to put her first?
It’s also important to rely on your Jesus-following friends to become a better husband. For one, sharing your experiences helps take the pressure off. You’ll realize they can relate to you. No one has a perfect marriage. Plus, they can offer insight that you may be missing, or help you avoid mistakes by sharing their own experiences. I’ve found that God often speaks through my close friends, offering me the wisdom I needed. Finally, they can help you stay accountable, reminding you of the call God has for husbands and encouraging you along the way.
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