You don’t need a deep friendship with every guy in your life—and that’s ok! At a recent MEN HUDDLE Huddle Captains Convene, we talked about how Level 5 Friendship isn’t a system to turn every friend into an intimately close friend. It’s simply a clear guide to help you recognize your need for this deepest core friendship and make it a reality.
It makes sense to have many casual friendships in life and fewer deeper friendships. But too many of us miss out on the deepest and best of friendship. One reason ties into consistency. Sure, deep friendships take a bit of time and energy—but Level 5 comes when you’re intentional and consistent about setting aside time to enjoy and grow these friendships.
The other key hurdle is trust. Trust grows organically over time with a handful of guys. But it can be specifically discussed and built. When you sense the affinity and intent to commit is strong with a few friends, clearly seal it with an agreement about your confidentiality and a handshake. (We men like physical symbols.)
So, if all your friends are not going to be Level 5 friends, the question is…
How many deep friendships should you have?
In my personal experience and coaching, the magic number of friends huddling together is three or four. Beyond that, it becomes more of a group, a noun, versus the verb of a few friends connecting. Small men’s groups are awesome and obviously, no one’s urging you to kick guys out of your group to get down to this size. The answer is not either/or. It’s both/and. Groups often focus on content and don’t have time for each guy to unpack all that’s important. Every guy, even if he’s got a great group, needs his closest two core friends where there’s intent and time for each guy to process his life weekly. King Solomon zeroed in on three being better than two deep friends. Here’s why.
God is a Relational Being
God’s essence is relational and team-oriented, as revealed by the Trinity of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. They modeled friendship even before they created humanity, glorifying each other. They relate to each other with unique alignment to their nature and role. The Father is the creator. The Son Jesus is the image of the Father revealing to humanity the Father and how to relate to Him as His children. The Holy Spirit proceeds from the Father and brings the Son’s presence and God’s guidance to believers.
We guys fall a bit short of the character and roles of the Trinity (HA), but each of us has different strengths and weaknesses we bring to a friendship. Often, some of the best of friends are opposite in certain ways, complementing each other and spurring each other in different ways. This is amplified when three friends fit into the puzzle in their own ways. And beyond the zero-sum math when one of two friends can’t show up, three friends bring a camaraderie and transformational aspect that multiplies the joy and mutual impact friends have on each other. When C.S. Lewis lost one of his two core friends, he observed that the two remaining lost a unique dynamic that the third friend brought. In The Four Loves, he writes, “In each of my friends, there is something only some other friend can fully bring out…Now that Charles is dead, I shall never again see Ronald’s [Tolkien’s] reaction to a ‘specifically Charles’ joke. Far from having more of Ronald, having him ‘to myself’ now that Charles is away, I have less of Ronald. Hence true Friendship is the least jealous of loves. Two friends delight to be joined by a third, and three by a fourth, if only the newcomer is qualified to become a real friend.”
Rooted in Biblical Wisdom
Back to the wisest king in the Old Testament and wisdom author who wrote, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor; If either falls down, one can help the other up…A cord of three strands is not easily broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12).
Modelled by Jesus
In the New Testament, Jesus had a group of three other friends that He was closer to than any other disciples: Peter, James and John. While He shared everything from God with His friends, the 12 disciples, He reserved most significant experiences for this core of three closest friends.
They were the first to hear HIs Father describe Jesus as “The Chosen One” (Luke 9:35) and to see Him for who He really was, literally, when He transfigured into a shining immortal figure at the top of a mountain. They also knew His heart’s condition of anguish and agony unlike anyone else, since they had joined Him in the garden before his arrest.
Think about who really knows you. Who knows your deepest sorrows, joys, and fears? Are there at least two other guys you can call “close friends”? Many guys, if they’re being honest, can’t list one. But that can change.Ask Father God what friends to invest with in Level 5 Friendship or how to deepen yours and share this way of Jesus with other men.
Learn more about Level 5 Friendship or join our next Huddle Captains Convene Zoom call by signing up here.
