I know you’re busy. Most of us are. We have all sorts of stuff going. Some of us have a business phone full of too many emails and texts as well. Some of us are busy traveling. Most of us check a steady stream of social feeds—Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook—rinse…recycle…repeat. Maybe you’re the guy who enjoys a recreational sport when you can. 

Maybe your version of busy has doubled now that you’re a husband or a dad. And as an owner of a home, there’s always something that needs fixing or at least maintenance. Oh, and if your kids are in sports, then you’re too busy to do anything I mentioned in my first paragraph. 

Despite all of that, you don’t feel as strong as you would have expected. Maybe you’ve made compromises and slid into negative habits. On top of all of this, you might be realizing that, even though you’re so busy, you’re actually lonely. You miss those days when you had a best friend—someone you spent a bunch of time with, really knew you, and actually had time to be around you. 

Guess what? You’re not alone. In fact, it’s been declared an “Epidemic of Loneliness.” Fifteen years ago, researchers started noticing a shift in our social fabric. The US Surgeon General recently declared it a public health crisis. Here are just a few stats:

• Four in 10 Americans say they don’t have a best friend at all (a 25 percent increase since 1990).
• Men typically have fewer close friends than women do.
• The percentage of men without any close friends jumped fivefold to 15 percent in 2021 (from three precent in 1990).
• 76 percent of men don’t have a close and trusted friend they can share anything with.
• Success Magazine reports that 61 percent of young adults (age 18-25) feel “serious loneliness.”

Don’t worry, I won’t go on further about this discouraging stuff. Instead, I’m going to focus on what you and I really want. Friendship. Finding real friendships makes us better men, prevents many of the dumb things we do, and improves the important things we do in life. 

 

How do you make these deep bonds?

One study reported becoming a best friend takes 300 hours of togetherness. Racking up those hours takes a lot of intention. In fact, I’d argue it’s more about the intentionality than the amount of time. 

My friend Dave and I hit it off, we developed a deep friendship after only four calls. I didn’t even meet Dave in person until a couple of months ago, but we’ve been connecting over Zoom. We withhold nothing from each other and pray about everything. We are intentional, that’s the big difference maker. 

He’s a Level 5 friend. Level 5 friendship is a concept that came to me while reading Good to Great, a brilliant business leadership book by Jim Collins. In it, he highlights the traits shared among the most influential leaders, what he called “Level 5 leaders.” I realized you could apply the same tiers to types of friendships.

Level 5 friends are in it for the long haul. I’ve been benched, traded, cut, and seen my football career go pitch black. I’ve had to fire myself from the non-profit I started. I saw my dad die of cancer. My daughter-in-law underwent brain surgery for a tumor. Sharing my troubles with friends didn’t only lessen the burden, it bonded us together.

 

Time to take your friendship to the next level.

Of course, this type of friendship is not my idea. Like everything good, it started with and belongs to Jesus. Deep transformative friendship is the essential way Jesus lived and worked with men. He changed the world by calling twelve working dudes to be His friends, grew them into friends of each other, and sent them out as teams of brothers. 

Huddling with 2-3 men to encourage and equip one another can be one of the most life-giving things in your life. Explore MenHuddle now and see how a group of men can commit to deep friendship and bring each other closer to God.

A man can find himself in a season of self-isolation when he’s without someone to turn to. Some men start self-isolating because they are afraid to be real and show people their insecurities, while others let pride raise them above the reproach of anyone, living on their own self-righteous pedestal. Some have lost hope for carrying out a meaningful purpose in life and waste away alone doing trivial things to stay distracted. 

Whatever the reason, it’s not too late—recognize the signs of self-isolation so you can live the way God wants you to live. To be fully alive. 

 

What are the Signs of Self-Isolation?

 

1) You automatically say “no” to plans. 

You have begun to no longer see the value of spending time with others.

 

2) Numbing yourself with solitary activities.

Hobbies are great and so is a bit of alone time, but you can’t use it as an excuse to avoid others.

 

3) Feeling detached.

You don’t have an interest in connecting with others and have a hard time enjoying their company—even with friends and family.

 

4) Throwing yourself into your work.

This is one of the oldest tricks in the book that men use to self-isolate.

 

5) Not being alone with God.

Are you afraid God will stop you in your tracks and call you into the sometimes difficult world of being with others?

 

6) Worsening mental health.

You don’t enjoy being around others and you feel anxious when you are.

 

7) Poor health.

Scientists have found that a lack of social interaction can lead to all kinds of health risks, including heart disease, increased blood pressure, and dementia.

 

How to Stop Self-Isolation

Giving up the short-term safety of self-isolation is not easy to do. But you have the power to change your mindset and stop self-isolation—and these 5 steps will help.

 

1) Remember that God made humans to be relational beings.

God is a relational being—Jesus came down to earth to demonstrate the way He related to the Father and encouraged us to do the same. Because we are made in the image of God, we are relational by nature, too. From the very beginning of the Bible, God says this Himself: “It’s not right that the man should be alone” (Genesis 2:18).

 

2) Invest in others.

You might self-isolate because you’re disappointed in what you get from others. Instead, take an investor mindset to the people around you. Pour your effort and time into them—not because you expect to get anything back (no one can live up to the expectations we have for them in our minds) but because you want to see them grow. You’ll be amazed how this transforms your ability to give others and the satisfaction it brings you.

 

3) Invest in others.

For one, this will remove any delusions of self-pity. You might have been self-isolating because you’re waiting for someone to notice—when they don’t, you think no one cares, distancing you further. Any true friend will take action and get you out of isolation. Telling others will also keep you accountable when you want to cancel plans. Best of all, though, sharing your struggles will alleviate the burden you’ve been carrying. 

 

4) Get plugged into your community

God doesn’t just ask us to seek Him. He wants us to build community and bring joy to each other’s lives. Join a club or volunteer, so you can make new friends and give back. When you’re alone, you’re always thinking about the next desire you want to fulfill. Shifting your focus to others brings you gratitude, satisfaction, and peace.  

 

5) Be intentional with your friends.

Once you’ve started to pull yourself out of your self-isolation, it’s important to really commit to your friendships. Set aside a time every week or month to get together and be real with one another.

 

What is Level 5 Friendship?

Are you ready to stop self-isolation and find friends in Jesus? Download the Playbook for Level 5 Friendship to get easy-to-follow advice for getting real with others and closer to God.

How are we lonelier than ever when we can count all the friends we’ve made over the years on Facebook? Recently, 60% of Americans report that they feel lonely on a pretty regular basis. 

 

Some have a hard time finding friends in adulthood. Others have no shortage of friends, but still long for a deeper friendship in their lives. 

 

It’s more than having buddies at work to pass the time easier or a couple guys around for a free weekend here and there. Research says that deep friendship can help us “find purpose and meaning,” not to mention “stay healthy and live longer.” 

 

So how can you cultivate deep friendships? Among the many things Jesus taught us, He gave us the perfect model of a true friend.  

 

The 4 Keys to Deep Friendship

 

1. Shared interests (and a common goal)

To build a deep friendship, you need to have something in common. Tom Flick is a good, true friend of mine. He and I couldn’t be more different except for the position we played in football. He’s an introvert. I’m an extrovert. I’m a dreamer with a serious streak of spontaneity. Tom is methodical and detail-oriented.

 

Despite our differences, our friendship is going strong long after we retired from our NFL quarterbacking careers, thanks to our shared interests in biking, skiing and, more importantly, our faith in Christ.

 

This common trait at the core of our identities aligns us in the most important ways. We are both going in the same direction—focused on living for God and growing spiritually.

 

Am I saying you should only be friends with people who believe the same things as you?

 

Absolutely not. Jesus showed us that He would talk to anyone, especially those who had been shunned by the so-called righteous of society. He found people who desired change, like the woman at the well (John 4:15) and the crucified criminal (Luke 23:40). 

 

My point? Find friends who won’t pull you down but are committed to going in the right direction, too. 

 

2. Deep friendship means deep care

Our culture rarely depicts two male friends who care for each other openly and deeply. One of the best, simplest things you can do to build a deep friendship is to go out of your way to show interest, appreciation and care for the other person. 

 

When an obstacle comes up in a friend’s life, don’t think of it as a chore you need to help out with if he asks you. Proactively offer your time and effort. Sometimes, it’s as easy as checking in and seeing how he’s doing. That’s the sign of a true friend.

 

Jesus was always caring for his disciples. He encouraged them constantly and prepared them for what lay ahead. He was always thinking about their physical and emotional needs. 

 

The most striking example? The Son of God taking the place of a servant to wash their dirty feet after a long, dusty day of travel. As Jesus lowered Himself to serve them, he also raised their spiritual understanding and counted them as friends.

 

“I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.” (John 15:5). 

 

3. Total honesty

Deep friendship cannot form without honesty. You’ll have to be open about who you really are, including all your flaws and insecurities. I’ve found that being vulnerable bonds us together. We all struggle but we don’t have to feel alone in it. 

 

What did Jesus do when he felt “greatly distressed and troubled?” He confided in his friends, telling them, “My soul is very sorrowful, even to death” (Matthew 26:38).

 

This openness also gives us the accountability and safety to confess our mistakes. Instead of hiding in the darkness, we move forward in the light. 

 

4. Intentionality and consistency

Jesus chose his friends specifically and built a deep friendship with each of them. He set up meals, walks, boat rides, silent times in the hills and more. These were times they could share in the intimacy of their brotherhood.

 

You can do the same thing. I challenge you to be the true friend who calls someone out of the blue to see how he’s doing. Set up a time to get coffee. But the real key is consistency. Decide to connect in a dependable and frequent way that works for you. Plan a weekly meeting designed for you to share about your lives (I call it Men Huddle). You can get on a Zoom call tonight! 

 

Build Deeper Friendship with MenHuddle.

If you’re looking to deepen friendship and mutual mentoring, check out the PLAYBOOK FOR LEVEL 5 FRIENDSHIP—a guide that will help you connect with other men in a meaningful way and catalyze spiritual growth in each other’s lives.