Always Offended? Take an Offensive & Defensive Approach

It seems like we’ve all been primed to take offense nowadays. It’s the age of victimhood, and calling out offenders and “oppressors” on social media (or anywhere). Of course, there have always been slights and injustices in our workplaces, social circles, or marriages, but digital platforms and communications have raised the temperature, making us hot-headed and quicker to be offended. I’m not saying there aren’t offensive posts and acts happening in the world (far from it!), but this behavior to take offense has bled into our everyday lives.

In our weekly huddle conversation, my core buddies (Level 5 Friends ) and I recently had a great conversation about this. Each of us had an eye-opening example highlighting the dangers of taking offense. One buddy had encountered an impatient and rude driver. It turned out he was racing to the emergency room after his child was admitted.

I recounted an experience with a disgruntled donor to the non-profit I was leading. His harsh complaint made my colleague want to write the donor off because he was rude. Thankfully, I took a big-picture, long-term view and invited the upset donor to lunch. I learned where he was coming from, asked for forgiveness, and was able to share our positive progress. He shocked me at the end of the meal by pulling out his checkbook to write us a $1,000 donation.

My buddies and I ended up chatting about the importance of always aiming to understand the deeper truth of any situation without judging it or people on the surface.

As we discussed strategies to avoid quickly taking offense, especially in our marriages, we realized there are both offensive and defensive aspects of restraining our human nature to get easily offended.

OFFENSE – Be a man who is strong in Grace.

Negative stuff is always going to come up from others. It only makes sense to think proactively about how we will handle it.

Envision the man you want to be and the type of life you want: A man with lower cortisol, adrenaline, and anger. A steady and peaceful life with less irritation and conflict. A man of grace like Jesus.

Ask yourself: How do I often react? But, how do I want to consistently respond?

The rude driver and rude donor situations turned around because we began with curiosity. What was really happening with this person and situation?

Being curious can bring us the context for their actions, which allows us to have empathy. Choosing empathy, before being dismissive or indignant, settles us down. It allows us to waste less emotional energy on outsiders and to rebound quickly with our loved ones, so we draw closer instead of further apart. Think marriage or parenting!

Jesus and the Samaritan Woman

Jesus gave us the perfect example with how He treated the woman at the well (John 4). As a Samaritan, she was already an outsider to the Jews, with further stigma and rejection because she’d been divorced five times.

Instead of reacting in judgment, Jesus engaged her with a simple question as He shared a simple humanizing dignity with her: “Will you give me a drink?” He engaged her with curiosity about her life, empathy for her brokenness, and interest in her story. Even when she tried to deflect with religious statements, Jesus gently drew her out, naming her wounds without shame. He offered her Himself, life-giving water. Her identity shifted from outsider to a witness of grace. Jesus turned a defensive, broken woman into the first evangelist in her town. Why? Because He led with questions, not criticism. He saw opportunity for grace, not condemnation.

Plus, since we’re not perfect like Jesus, we have all the more need to lead with curiosity, to listen and reflect before reacting: What part of the picture am I missing? Did I cause part of this issue?

How do we foster this attitude of compassion and curiosity in ourselves? In a word, HUMILITY. To the Colossians, Paul described the proactive steps of preparing oneself: “clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience” and “put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity” (Colossians 3:12-14).

Here are a few Proverbs about listening first before speaking. They guide us to take less offense and respond wisely in all kinds of situations.

• Proverbs 18:13 “To answer before listening—that is folly and shame.”
• Proverbs 18:17 “The first to state his case seems right, until another comes and cross-examines him.”
• Proverbs 20:5 “The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out.”
• Proverbs 15:28 “The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil.”

DEFENSE

If offense is starting with curiosity, context, and eventually empathy, defense is calling on God to help us be less offendable.

When we’re in the middle of being insulted or wrongfully accused, it’s hard to overcome the natural impulses to respond in kind. We get heated and dysregulated.

As Romans 8:29 tells us, we were chosen to become more Christ-like. Ask God, how can I channel your grace, humility, mercy, patience, gentleness, and kindness?

Jesus was never offended, even as they slandered His identity and character. He stayed humble, even when Satan tempted Him to show off His power. He was wrongfully arrested and killed. And as He was dying, He interceded on behalf of those doing it, “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:24).

Decide to fully receive God’s love and forgiveness so He can transform you. This is exactly what Paul tells us to do after we’ve been wronged: “Forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:12-14).

And if you find yourself heated, about to fire off a “strongly worded” email or something similar, do two things first. Start by praying and asking Father God how you should respond. Then, process and pray about the situation with a trusted close friend (Level 5). Instead of the tunnel vision of self-centered anger, you’ll start to see the big picture. Then you can respond in a measured, Christ-like way.

Take Action

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