How to Be a Better Husband and Father

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I’ve been helping men better their relationships for decades and some of the most common questions I get are about how to be a better husband and father. Seeking advice and accepting training is such a critical first step. As men, we’re often conditioned to think we have all the answers (or pretend that we do). 

Together, let’s go over the most important strategies for becoming a better husband and father. 

Strategies For Becoming a Better Husband and Father

1. Shift your mindset

In America, we’re inundated with ads and convenient services, basically surrounded by a culture of consumerism. Unfortunately, we sometimes bring that mindset home with us. We have expectations of what our wives or children should be doing for us or how they should be making us feel. 

Instead, we should approach these relationships with the mindset of an investor. How can we offer support, teaching and resources to see them grow and thrive? Rather than telling you to play with your kids, listen better, or be present (all of which are good), this mindset shift will guide you to giving them what they need when they need it. It will do the same with your wife, too, and help you maintain a long-term view of your marriage. Instead of fixating on the daily tension, you can see it as an opportunity to overcome challenges together and strengthen your bond for the long run.

2. Practice servant leadership

Many of us have worked at companies where the so-called leaders enjoy all the perks and comforts while ordering everyone around without doing the work or taking responsibility. In recent years, experts realized leaders eat last in successful cultures, putting others first. Of course, it’s also what Jesus modeled for us over 2,000 years ago when He washed the feet of His disciples. Leading your family is not about calling the shots. It’s about sacrificing your own comfort for the good of the family.

3. Assume humility

For some parents, making sacrifices comes naturally. But Jesus’ example of washing His disciples’ feet was about more than just service. It was an act of humility, lowering Himself to their level for the sake of unity. While you must remain an authority figure for your children to grow up with proper boundaries, it’s important to balance it with an awareness that you can make mistakes. Sharing these mistakes will help them learn from you and apologizing quickly will stop resentment from building up. It’s one of the most important elements of marriage, allowing you to own up to mistakes, make peace faster, listen to feedback and accept it openly. 

4. Be more than a protector

Being a protector and provider comes naturally to a lot of men. But too many of us guys think the job is done after putting a roof over their heads, food on the table and the fear of God in the boys in their lives. You also need to be gentle, patient, caring and nurturing. If it doesn’t come easy to you, work on it. Become vulnerable, open up and talk about feelings. Not manly enough for you? It’s how Jesus modeled the perfect manhood for us. 

5. Seek healing for your own father wounds

Sometimes all the best advice and training in the world won’t make a difference because we’re still acting out of the hurt of our own upbringing. Maybe you find yourself rising to anger in the same way your dad or mom did with you. Sometimes, you have to go back and unpack these feelings. Ask God to help you forgive and heal these wounds from our parents, so you can move on with peace and the ability to change. 

I hope you take these strategies help to guide you and conceptualize a better way. The most important thing to do is to ask God to help you to become more like Him. 

 

Want strategies for being a better friend? Download the Playbook for Level 5 Friendship. 

 

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The First Step to Healing Father Wounds

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Our dads have a huge impact on our lives—for good and sometimes for worse. Whether you had an affirming dad, a neglectful dad or even an abusive dad, everyone grows up with some deficiency because of their dad. Why? Because no dad is perfect. 

As we mature, our father wounds can create insecurity, making us feel like failures or have us overcompensate with ambition. But no amount of success will fix it. Growth only comes through healing these father wounds. Here’s the good news. Everyone has access to the perfect dad—God, who designed you. He invited you to be His adopted son through you His Son. Here’s how you can embark on a journey of healing for your father wounds.

4 Steps for Healing Father Wounds

1. Understand how you started

Some of us would rather not think about the past because of some of the normal growing pains. Others escaped horrible situations. Either way, the family that raised us is where our problems start. So, as we try to move forward in our journey, it’s helpful to look back over the ground we’ve covered—by us and those who shaped us. 

Ask yourself, how has your past impacted your identity? Each of us has unique ways in which it’s made you insecure, afraid or self-conscious. Identifying the root cause is often massively important for healing father wounds. 

 

2. Look back with grace on your dad

Of course, we wish our dads had made our early years easier—if dad had been there, if mom and dad’s relationship was healthier or if they’d engaged more in developing us from a boy into an emerging man. But no one has a perfect family and our parents’ childhood wasn’t either. Theirs may have been just as painful and deficient as ours, maybe more. 

So, without dwelling on the past or holding onto resentment, look back with grace on your dad and your own upbringing.

 

3. Offer forgiveness to your dad

It can be hard to change the behaviors and attitudes connected to our father wounds when the pain and feeling of being wronged is still there. But when you acknowledge Jesus as your savior, you receive forgiveness for all the sins you’ve ever committed or will commit because of Jesus’ sacrifice. 

We’re also given the power of forgiveness to bestow upon others. Jesus instructs us to pray, “Forgive us the wrongs we have done as we forgive the wrongs that others have done to us” (Matt. 6:12). 

It might feel like you’re giving your dad a gift he doesn’t deserve. He might not acknowledge how he’s wronged you or ever asked for your forgiveness. But forgiveness is a gift for the one who forgives. It allows you to move on from your role as a victim as God heals your father wounds. 

 

4. Let God heal your father wounds and transform you

I’m not saying it will always be easy. It won’t. But as you forgive your dad, you can look at all the pain or deficiencies your dad caused without so much heaviness. You can offer them up to God. You’ll receive peace and confidence with your true identity as an adopted son of God. 

Another way to transform this wound into a positive thing is by sharing it with your close group of guy friends. As men, we usually hide our vulnerabilities from each other. But you never know what another guy might have gone through or is currently going through. Your sharing could help him know he’s not alone or even give him guidance to help heal his father wound. 

 

Want to know how to create a space for guys to talk about their father wounds? Download the Playbook for Level 5 Friendship today.

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