How to Be a Better Husband and Father

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I’ve been helping men better their relationships for decades and some of the most common questions I get are about how to be a better husband and father. Seeking advice and accepting training is such a critical first step. As men, we’re often conditioned to think we have all the answers (or pretend that we do). 

Together, let’s go over the most important strategies for becoming a better husband and father. 

Strategies For Becoming a Better Husband and Father

1. Shift your mindset

In America, we’re inundated with ads and convenient services, basically surrounded by a culture of consumerism. Unfortunately, we sometimes bring that mindset home with us. We have expectations of what our wives or children should be doing for us or how they should be making us feel. 

Instead, we should approach these relationships with the mindset of an investor. How can we offer support, teaching and resources to see them grow and thrive? Rather than telling you to play with your kids, listen better, or be present (all of which are good), this mindset shift will guide you to giving them what they need when they need it. It will do the same with your wife, too, and help you maintain a long-term view of your marriage. Instead of fixating on the daily tension, you can see it as an opportunity to overcome challenges together and strengthen your bond for the long run.

2. Practice servant leadership

Many of us have worked at companies where the so-called leaders enjoy all the perks and comforts while ordering everyone around without doing the work or taking responsibility. In recent years, experts realized leaders eat last in successful cultures, putting others first. Of course, it’s also what Jesus modeled for us over 2,000 years ago when He washed the feet of His disciples. Leading your family is not about calling the shots. It’s about sacrificing your own comfort for the good of the family.

3. Assume humility

For some parents, making sacrifices comes naturally. But Jesus’ example of washing His disciples’ feet was about more than just service. It was an act of humility, lowering Himself to their level for the sake of unity. While you must remain an authority figure for your children to grow up with proper boundaries, it’s important to balance it with an awareness that you can make mistakes. Sharing these mistakes will help them learn from you and apologizing quickly will stop resentment from building up. It’s one of the most important elements of marriage, allowing you to own up to mistakes, make peace faster, listen to feedback and accept it openly. 

4. Be more than a protector

Being a protector and provider comes naturally to a lot of men. But too many of us guys think the job is done after putting a roof over their heads, food on the table and the fear of God in the boys in their lives. You also need to be gentle, patient, caring and nurturing. If it doesn’t come easy to you, work on it. Become vulnerable, open up and talk about feelings. Not manly enough for you? It’s how Jesus modeled the perfect manhood for us. 

5. Seek healing for your own father wounds

Sometimes all the best advice and training in the world won’t make a difference because we’re still acting out of the hurt of our own upbringing. Maybe you find yourself rising to anger in the same way your dad or mom did with you. Sometimes, you have to go back and unpack these feelings. Ask God to help you forgive and heal these wounds from our parents, so you can move on with peace and the ability to change. 

I hope you take these strategies help to guide you and conceptualize a better way. The most important thing to do is to ask God to help you to become more like Him. 

 

Want strategies for being a better friend? Download the Playbook for Level 5 Friendship. 

 

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5 Biblical Steps to Recover from Failure

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Failure. It’s become such a big word in our ultra-competitive culture. And it’s not just the word for when you don’t succeed. We’ve started using it as a title for those who lose big. And when we’re at our lowest, it’s what we think of ourselves. Plenty of events can reduce us to rock bottom. Failures in our personal lives, our careers or our relationships. It could simply be the feeling that you’ve got nothing going for you. But there is a way to recover from failure. And good news—you don’t have to compete your way out of it or earn it at all.

5 Ways Recover from Failure

1. Give yourself a break and a chance to reflect

Pressure is one of the most common factors that leads to feeling like a failure. It could come from parents, friends or society. While pressure can be good for short-term motivation and focus, it’s not sustainable. So, if you’ve already fallen off the hamster wheel of pursuing success, take it as a great opportunity—to take a deep breath and reassess your life.

2. Identify your metric for success

For guys, the idea of being successful or “a success” starts with their concept of manhood. Turn on the TV and you’ll see no shortage of “success stories” vying for your envy. It could be sexual conquest, making a lot of money or having a lot of power—or some combination of the three. It could be something more wholesome, like an impressive physical pursuit or being a well-respected man in the community. Start by asking, “Is this truly a successful life?”

3. Understand our addiction to approval

What happens when you hit your metric? Are you able to sustain it? You’ll realize how impossible our formulation of success is: “Once I accomplish that, then I’ll be a success.” At the end of the day, these concepts of success are based on approval. We’re trying to win it from our peers, our wives, our fathers or society at large. But the problem is that this approval is temporary. We have to keep proving it for us to believe it.

4. Separate your identity from your performance  

When our concept of success is tied up with our identity, we’re bound to fall at some point. Maybe we were the fastest runner one day, but not the next. What happens when our identity is based on being the fastest? Or being the best husband? Or the best Christian? We crumble and feel like a failure. 

5. Receive your identity from God

The big transformation happens when you receive your true identity as a son from God. You live from it rather than for it. Instead of being stuck in an approval feedback loop, you’re on a journey to find your purpose, become secure in who you are, and make a positive impact. It’s figuring out how to be faithful and true, loyal, honest, trustworthy and authentic.

How do you receive it? Simply by having a personal relationship with God. As you get closer, you’ll become more like Him. But there’s no pressure to keep it up or pedestal to fall from—because you know all the power comes only from Him. It transcends any idea of “success or failure,” as validation (or lack thereof) for your life. You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone anymore. In fact, you’re really giving up your life to enjoy the greatest success possible. As Jesus says in Matthew 16:25, “For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life because of me will find it.”

Here’s an additional tip: Remember, only Jesus was perfect. You’re going to fail. You might drift away from your true identity and fall into the world’s metrics for your success. You’ll puff yourself up when you perform well and feel low when you don’t. But when you get back to focusing on God, you’ll remember life is not about achieving success—and you’ll recover from any failure.  

 

Want to bring God and His transformative process into your friendships? Download the Playbook for Level 5 Friendship today.

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The Importance of Trust in Friendship

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Most guys don’t really like to talk about their feelings. Trust in their friendships usually falls into that category, too. But it’s worth talking about because trust is one of the most important aspects of maintaining a long, deep, mutually beneficial friendship with open communication and to show importance of trust in friendship…that is to say, a true friend.

Why is Trust So Important in Friendship?

Here are five ways trust creates the foundation for good friendship. 

1. Reliable

As a QB in the NFL, there was a whole lot of trust involved for a successful play. Trusting that the offensive line would hold up. Trusting that a wide receiver would be at the right spot at the right at the right time so I could throw with anticipation. For my part, my line trusted me to get the ball out as soon as I could. And receivers trusted that I would put the ball on their chest so they could go over the middle without exposing their body to shots from linebackers. 

That’s exactly how it is for friends, too. You need to start with a clear idea of what you expect from each other and then do what you say. Practically speaking, that means getting intentional about your friendship and not canceling on plans—even if it’s just a phone call and you’re tired from working or taking care of the kids.

2. Grace

On the other hand, trust allows you to give friends forgiveness when they mess up or wrong you in some way, however small. Deep down, you know the other person just wants what’s best for you and will try to treat you how you want to be treated. Many friendships are ruined by little resentments that build up along the way which shows the importance of trust in friendship.

3. Discreet

For men to overcome their sinful behaviors, they need to be able to shed light on it—without it becoming everyone’s business. Telling a friend about your struggles is a great way to break out of the shame that keeps you stuck in a destructive pattern while introducing accountability to your life. But all that goes out the window if you can’t trust your friend to handle sensitive private matters with the proper discretion. The importance of trust in friendship is key to opening up to a friend.

4. Honesty

When there is real trust in a friendship, either person feels they can share their perspective about anything without worrying that the other will respond negatively—like acting defensive, dismissive, combative or vengeful. This is so important for two reasons. For one, each friend can feel like they can truly express themselves. And sometimes you really need a friend to be honest with you. They can help you fill in a blind spot of your self-awareness or point out prideful or sinful behavior.

5. Depth

The honesty that comes with a trusting friendship is the only way to have deep, meaningful conversations consistently. It will bring joy, wisdom and understanding to your life. And it’s the kind of friendship that God can use to bring both of you closer to Him.   

 

Ready to develop trust and enjoy these key elements of real friendship? Download the Playbook for Level 5 Friendship today.

 

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Why it’s Important to Consistently Connect with Friends

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As a Dad, it’s easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of daily life—taking the kids to school, sporting events and birthday parties. When you get home and finish the chores, you spend as much time as you can connecting with your wife. Even guys who aren’t married often pour themselves into their jobs. And we all can get distracted by the endless streaming options and social media. The aspect of our lives that most quickly falls by the wayside is maintaining consistent connections and to connect with friends.

Everyone knows friends are important. But a lot of us feel lonely at times and wonder where they’ve gone or why they don’t feel as close anymore. The key is consistency. And I’ll show you why…

4 Ways Being Consistent Will Improve Your Friendships

1. Intentionality 

I think many people expect being close friends with someone to come naturally. But really, everything has to line up perfectly: You grew up together and stayed in the same place while sharing similar interests and values. Otherwise, you have to be intentional about maintaining a close friendship. 

Practically, that means making plans to see each other or talk at least once a week. It shows how much they matter to you that you’re willing to cut out a chunk of time every week to spend time with them, which is key for developing trust. 

2. Trust

Think about meeting up with an old friend you haven’t spoken to in years. You could of course get along, joke around a little, relive the glory days and get caught up to speed on what’s going on in each other’s lives. But would you be comfortable sharing your struggles and deepest vulnerabilities that you keep under wraps? 

That’s why consistency is so key. With an intentional friend, you’ve gotten to a point in your friendship where you can say, “I’ve got your back and you’ve got mine.” You trust them to listen to these sensitive topics without fear that they’ll tell someone else. And that they’ll be actively thinking and praying for the right wisdom to help you connect with friends. 

3. Different Perspectives

Whenever the best CEOs need to find the right direction for the business, they lean on the expertise of their advisors. That’s what it’s like having a few close, trustworthy friends. It’s easy to get confused in life and feel unsure about what your next step should be.  But when you have the consistent advice of a trustworthy friend in your corner, it makes it so much easier. They’ll encourage you to keep going if you’re on the right track or offer insights on what to do next. 

Sometimes the best advice from this kind of friend comes when we don’t even realize we need it. They can keep us accountable when we’re acting out of line or prideful. Not out of some judgmental righteousness but out of deep compassion—they know our story and they only want the best for our soul. 

4. Spiritual Growth

When I talk about spiritual growth, I’m not talking about becoming a pastor or an elder in the church. I’m just talking about deepening your relationship with God and receiving His blessing in our lives. Having a group of trustworthy, reliable friends meeting up every week to be friends with God is among the most important things we can do in life. It’s what Jesus modeled for us. He taught His disciples to come together to consistently connect to God. Being able to connect with friends is one way to do this.

 

Is this exactly the kind of friendship you’ve been looking for? Download the Playbook for Level 5 Friendship to get started today. 

 

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