Why You Should Care About Friendship

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Why do I care about friendship? Because we are made and adopted by God to thrive in relationships with others. But that requires a tight team of intentional brothers, consistently connected Level 5 Friends. Today, men are being blitzed by father wounds, identity insecurity and masculinity confusion/bashing. We’re attacked by everything from a cut-throat culture to the digital poisoning of porn. 

 

Just like in football, these blitzes offer opportunity for God to bring us together—to Him and to a brotherhood of real men. Our challenge is not just the loneliness caused by eroded community ties and the isolating forces of the economy and social media. Tragically, the word masculinity, which means strength that protects the vulnerable, comes with baggage after the #MeToo movement called out men’s self-centered abuse of power.

 

But this is why we need to revive the high standard of manhood—manhood in the model of Jesus, the quintessential man. He lived a masculinity that humbly depended on His Father and courageously channeled His strength for the weak, oppressed and particularly for the exploited women. He turned the world upside down through radical obedience to His Father and lifestyle of coming alongside flawed, driven men who wanted His greater calling. 

 

The way to pull ourselves out of our small and damaged subjective narratives and isolating echo chamber is through something fun that we actually want. But, it’s something the enemy has convinced us to fear—deep, transparent friendship. It’s time for life-giving camaraderie, transforming teamwork and channeling our strengths for good.

 

God wants you to have real friendship.

Men need friendship. We’re made in God’s image and He is a relational being. He instructs us to bear one another’s burdens, share one another’s joys, grieve together in our losses, and confess our weakness—our temptations, struggles and failures (sins) so we can heal and grow stronger. Men need close friendships with other guys because they can relate—they have the same dreams, vulnerabilities and struggles.

 

There are many kinds of friendships, but the best is not often practiced by enough men. Level 5 represents the life-giving commitment and men-transforming relational depth that we’re designed to live.

 

Level 5 – Deep Friendship – This friendship makes you better. It adds a purposeful commitment to loyally and consistently connect. You process your lives, disclose struggles, encourage and pray for each other, confess sins and erase secrets, benefit from accountability and pull each other closer to God. We’ve unpacked that kind of friendship in the last two posts. Let’s wrap up by tackling a few things that stop most guys from investing consistent time in developing intentional friendships.

 

3 Gut-Level Objections You Can Overcome

  1. Not Another Meeting. The easy excuse is “I’m too busy and can’t fit another meeting into my busy life.” Answer: It’s friendship, not a meeting. Could you fit in 60 minutes a week for enjoyable friendship that improves your marriage, family and work life?
  2. Will I get exposed? You may have been burned before. Maybe you’re afraid of being exposed as a failure or of having your private junk become public. You’re not alone, but if each friend agrees to be loyal, confidential and not a life guru trying to fix you, you’ll feel the freedom to be real and let your friends help you transform your life.
  3. I can’t lead it. You’re not supposed to. It’s friendship, not a small group or teaching assignment. It’s we, not you and them. It’s not impressing, critiquing or fixing each other. You simply lean into a couple friends, clearly propose it and help the huddling together get started.

 

We Have the Perfect Model Friend: Jesus

Jesus will guide and help you with this friendship. Jesus built deep friendships. He shared meals, grilled over campfires, and took his friends on intense boating adventures. Jesus showed up at their work and walked with guys. He set up quiet retreats in the hills and a special farewell dinner. Before eating, Jesus, the leader of leaders, shocked his friends with a radical move. He stepped back from his spot near the head of the table, knelt at their feet, took a bowl of water and towel and washed their grimy feet. Jesus loved and led in the most faithful way possible—he served.

 

We may not have to watch the dusty sandals of our friends like Jesus did, but we can be authentic men. We thrive most when we make friendship a priority and create memorable experiences to connect with a group of guys. Together, we can follow Jesus’s example. Better yet, we can let Jesus transform everything in our lives, including our friendships.

 

Start deeper friendship today. Download the Level 5 Friendship Playbook and talk with a friend or two about taking your friendship to the highest level.

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The Epidemic of Loneliness: How Friends Solve the Problem

The Epidemic of Loneliness in the world is a serious problem. I’m going share how understanding the 5 Levels of Friendship can unlock depth in our relationships – ending loneliness for you. Here are all the levels together now:

Level 1 – Casual Friendship – This is a guy you’ve met and may or may not remember his name.

Level 2 – Basic Friendship – You act friendly, barely connect and speak about the usual stuff on the surface level only.

Level 3 – Good Friendship – You’re close enough to joke around and open up a bit. There’s some trust…and some caution. He knows you a little, but nothing really personal or deep. 

Level 4 – Strong Friendship – You trust each other. You talk about meaningful parts of your life. You’re open, but not completely open. You’d call him at 2am in a crisis, but you don’t know what’s going on with each other by checking in consistently.

Level 5 – Deep Friendship – This friendship adds a purposeful commitment to meet and consistently connect. You disclose struggles, pray for each other, confess sins, erase secrets, stay accountable and pull each other closer to God.

 

The Three C’s of Forging Level 5 Friendship

  1. Commitment
  2. Consistency
  3. Connection

 

Now, let’s look at that second line of Level 5: You disclose struggles, pray for each other, confess sins, erase secrets, stay accountable and pull each other closer to God. These are the weekly behaviors of deep friends. It takes investment, but is totally worth the sacrifice. 

 

The 5 Things You’ll Sacrifice for Level 5 Friendship

  1. Prioritizing Yourself – From families to careers, many men already take care of so much. They’re understandably protective of their free time. But you’ll have to give some time to be in community with others. You might have to miss a few hours of watching college football on the couch to be there for a buddy when he needs a hand.
  2. Your Image – This one’s harder to give up, but it’s not real anyways. You’ll have to give up control over how you present yourself to the world—how you want to be perceived. Many of us are obsessed with it. You’ll have to give it up to disclose your struggles and confess sins.
  3. Your Half-Truths and Guilty Pleasures – Many guys have great intentions, but they slip into compromises and half-truths. They tell lies to get away with things. Or maybe they’ll lie to themselves. “It’s okay to do this because…” or “I’ll only do this one time” or “Some guys are doing much worse…” to justify what they know is wrong. They’re more likely to give in to sinful desires. They don’t tell anyone partly because the short-term consumer in him wants to continue. But freedom for what’s best requires erasing secrets and living in the light.
  4. Your Complicity – Many men make excuses for the negative behaviors of other guys to avoid their own stuff. But real men hold self and others accountable.
  5. Your Defenses – There’s no way you can do any of this with your guard up. You’ll have to do something that’s initially uncomfortable—trust what God thinks about you and be vulnerable to friends.

 

It might seem like a lot and feel difficult, but it’s worth it. Especially when you look at what it leads to.

 

The 5 Things You’ll Gain From Level 5 Friendship

  1. Total Honesty – With these guys, you’ll never have to worry if they’re telling you the truth or not. You can rely on their perspective and wisdom to understand your life and improve.
  2. Unconditional Support – There’s nothing you can do or say that will make these guys stop being there for you. You have each other’s back.
  3. Lifelong Bonds – You’ll have guys in your corner at all times—to enjoy and celebrate the good times, and prayerfully support you through the toughest times.
  4. Fun – It’s brotherhood, camaraderie and laughter. You’ll have inside jokes, great times together and great memories.
  5. Purpose – You’ll help each other grow closer to God and transform into better versions of yourself.

 

Want to get started today? Download the Playbook for Level 5 Friendship now.

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Men’s Group Bible Study: 5 Tools to Help Along the Way

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At some point in your journey as a man, you realize that you can’t do it alone. You need God for everything and for Jesus to show you the way. You also figure out, hopefully, sooner rather than later, that you need a men’s group Bible study—a group of guys coming together to study the Word and bring Jesus into every area of their lives.

 

How to Get Started with Men’s Group Bible Studies

Even when you know you need a men’s Bible study, it can be tough to get things off the ground. What parts of the Bible should we start with? How do we structure it? What other materials should we read to bring understanding and meaning to reading the Bible? That’s where resources for a men’s group Bible study can be super helpful.

The resources outlined below encompass a spectrum of teachings, discussions, content, and tools designed to foster spiritual growth, strengthen relationships and friendships, and empower men to navigate life with faith and conviction. I’m confident you’ll find something that fits your group of guys and their stage of spiritual development.

 

5 Resources for a Men’s Group Bible Study

1. Playbook for Level 5 Friendship

I’m starting with my own (free) ebook even though it’s not designed for starting a men’s group bible study. There’s no shortage of excellent studies out there to dig your teeth into, but I found that men were having a hard time being open and going deep with each other (what I call Level 5 Friendship). It’s a quick read with step-by-step instructions. You’ll find practical tips on how to build deeper friendships with 2-3 guys looking to feel accepted and supported as they process their lives together and improve as men. Of course, time in God’s Word will come out of this huddling time together–even though that is not its main purpose.

I’d even argue that just starting a men’s group is not enough; men need deep, authentic, self-disclosing friendships in order to grow as sons of God and men. That’s what Huddling and building to Level 5 Friendship will provide.

 

2. BetterMan

Nowadays, men are confused by their masculinity. BetterMan is “calling men back to God’s good and timeless design for men.” To achieve this mission, they’ve created The BetterMan Curriculum, which provides weekly pre-recorded videos, workbooks, discussion questions, and more. It’s a great resource for men’s Bible study, helping men be confident in their masculinity and improving their relationships, marriages, families and churches. You can learn more and get instant access here.

 

3. The Purpose Driven Life

This classic book from pastor Rich Warren is a fantastic exploration of the question, “What am I here for?” Nearly all men come to a point in their lives where they question the meaning of life and their place in it—especially if they’ve been led astray by the world’s idea of significance. The Purpose Driven Life teaches you how to know yourself and your creator. It’s great content for a men’s group Bible study because it’s designed as a 40-day personal spiritual journey. You can come together on a weekly basis and discuss each member’s response and help them find their purpose.

 

4. Experiencing God

The last thing you want for your men’s group Bible study is for it to become one more thing to check off the list of things a Christian should do. You can’t simply go through the motions. Experiencing God is a wonderful video series that’s designed to “awaken believers to a radically God-centered way of life.” It challenges you to respond to God’s invitation to all of us—to know Him and His ways.

 

5. Receive: The Way of Jesus for Men

I wrote Receive to outline the principle of receiving your identity as a man from God for two reasons. For one, society has misled men to believe they must earn their manhood when the Bible tells us we must receive it from God through Jesus. Secondly, I wanted to define what it means to receive and how to do it. It’s full of practical advice and each chapter has a list of questions to help men’s group bible studies spark deep conversation and learn the way of Jesus for men. 

 

What does Jesus’ Perfect Example Mean for us Today?

As you embark on this journey, I hope these resources enrich your discussions, deepen faith, and foster men’s bible study dedicated to embracing Jesus in every aspect of life. Use these tools, engage in meaningful conversations, and let the pursuit of God strengthen your bond and guide you.

Want to see how Jesus’ perfect example can lead to real, meaningful friendships? Download the Playbook for Level 5 Friendships to get started.

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What does the best kind of friendship look like?

I’ve often talked about the friendship gap in men and how you can remove it in your life. Real friendship for guys seems to be at an all-time low.

We need to overcome the isolating influences of our technology-shaped and individualistic society.

Let’s go back to the original design. What about when everything was perfect? In the Garden of Eden, Adam was created without flaw and had not yet fallen from God—but still missing was something. “It is not good for man to be alone, God said” (Gen. 2:18). If a perfectly created man was designed for and needed friendship, how much more do we?

Our society can make you feel like a loser if you’re missing out on friendships. Or you might tell yourself that you’re doing just fine. You’re self-driven and have a huge network from work, your fantasy league, and a group of gamers. You may be Mr. Family, keeping busy with the kids, their sports and your house or yard…leaving no time for consistent friendship. But in reality, you’re missing something we’re all designed for, friendship.

 

The 5 Levels of Friendship

Level 1 – Casual Friendship –  A guy you’ve met and may or may not remember his name.

Level 2 – Basic Friendship – You act friendly, barely connect, and only talk about the usual surface-level stuff.

Level 3 – Good Friendship – You’re close enough to joke around.. There’s some trust, but also some caution so you’ll only open up a bit. He knows a few things about you, but nothing really deep or private.

Level 4 – Strong Friendship – You trust each other. You’d call the other guy in a 2 am crisis. You occasionally talk about meaningful parts of your life, but aren’t in touch consistently…

Sadly, some guys don’t have a Level 3 friend and many men don’t have a level 4 friend. That’s reflected in surveys that show 76% of men don’t have a close and trusted friend they can share anything with. Modern life can keep a guy digitally occupied with work and entertainment, but effectively isolated, lonely, and unknown. But realize this, Levels 3 and 4 are the building blocks to develop the highest level friendships – Level 5. 

Level 5 requires consistency and authenticity that are out of place and uncommon in our culture. Insecurity and fear make men uncomfortable going there. But it’s the kind of friendship that Jesus modeled. The kind of friendship we were designed to have.

 

Mike Woodruff is a friend, pastor, and author on friendship. He points out:

  • We are wired for friends.
  • Life is better with friends.
  • Good friends raise us up.
  • When it comes to friends, we must be intentional.

Here’s what that looks like as a level of friendship…

 

Level 5 – Deep Friendship

These guys talk about and establish trust. They add a purposeful commitment to meet and consistently connect. They talk about the important stuff in life, struggles, mess-ups and stresses, all while processing their future plans ahead of time, erasing secrets and praying for each other. Level 5 Friends grow in honesty and accountability as they pull each other closer to God.

Do you have any friendships that look like this? You can… but they don’t happen by accident.

A purposeful commitment to meet and consistently connect. For many men, sports, military and team-oriented businesses are the closest thing to replicating something like Level 5 Friendship. We had that consistent connection in the NFL.

Purposeful commitment? My closest friends and I take the same approach to our committed friendships that my NFL teams used to take to seeking a championship season. We commit. We’re loyal. We trust and we sacrifice to be honest and together.

Consistency? We had a game every Sunday. Every week, we put in the time and effort to prepare and excel. That made winning likely, and it’s the same with friendship.

Connect? If you didn’t communicate consistently and honestly about the reality we were facing, there was no way we were getting in the endzone.

 

Find Your Level 5 Friends

You can enjoy those bonds of camaraderie again. As followers of Jesus, we’re a team with crucial upcoming games. We have a mission—to honor and represent Jesus by living in His love and excellence. We can’t do it alone. We’re designed for teamwork.

That’s why I have a verb for Level 5 Friendship – huddling. Every week my closest out-of-town buddies and I huddle by Zoom for about an hour. Connecting frequently to process and pray over their lives together is a common trait of men from all walks of life who enjoy and benefit from Level 5 Friendship. It keeps us real, encouraged, and closer to each other and to God.

Want to get started in a deep friendship? Download my free gift, the Level 5 Friendship Playbook.  

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Why Investing in Deep Friendships is Key to Your Manhood

Here’s what I think: guys need to get shaken out of their routine. This packed, busy schedule of work, family, maybe a little tv or social media before you go to bed, doesn’t leave much, or any, time to connect with friends. When we open our eyes, we’re aware of our isolation and see the epidemic of loneliness in men. And deep down, we want (and need) real friendships. 

That’s why I’ve developed the concept of Level 5 Friendship, the ultimate tier of friendship. I’ll get into what that looks like through all of my work. Receive: The Way of Jesus for Men is a book I wrote that examines how men can RECEIVE their identity from Father God and use deep friendship as a catalyst for growth as men.

 

The “Lower Levels of Friendship”

Level 1 – Casual Friendship – This is a guy you’ve met and may or may not remember his name. 

Level 2 – Basic Friendship – You act friendly, barely connect, and speak about the usual stuff on the surface level only. 

Level 3 – Good Friendship – You’re close enough to joke around and open up a bit. There’s some trust…and some caution. He knows you, but nothing really deep or private. 

Why is it important to mention these lower tiers? It reminds us just how many friendships in modern life fail to develop. We are a networking culture. People float through an open room, trying to make as many important connections as possible, trying to say the right thing to gain favor and avoid the wrong thing so they aren’t rejected. 

I also bring these lower tiers up because some men never move past these levels. As men, we think that sharing our emotions is a sign of weakness. “We were taught for generations to focus on work, family and productivity. Don’t share what is really going on inside with other men,” says Michael Addis, a professor of psychology at Clark University and director of the Research Group on Men’s Well-Being.

We’re all too comfortable staying at the surface level and getting by. So how do you break out of these superficial levels and move into levels of depth and greater meaning? It’s going to take trust. 

 

The “Higher Level of Friendship”

Level 4 – Strong Friendship – You trust each other. You talk about meaningful parts of your life. You’re open, but not completely open. A lot of guys, myself included, wonder, “How do I know if I can trust this guy? Is he going to look down on me or use something I tell him against me later?”  

But instead of worrying about it, you can practice it and offer it.

 

Real, Deep, Intentional Level 5 Friendship

Ask your friend if he’d choose the type of loyal friendship you’re interested in that agrees to keep confidentiality and have each other’s back. You can build trust by following Jesus’ example of friendship Jesus. 

 

Choose humility and the best interests of others like Jesus.

He listened to His Father for when and what to say and do to bring out the best in others.

 

Be non-judgmental like Jesus.

Remember how He hung out with the outcast sinners and saved the shamed woman from a blood-thirsty, judgmental crowd?

 

Be honest like Jesus.

Love was His motive for always speaking truth and never deceiving anyone. He showed the scars of His wounds to His friend Thomas.

 

Be empathetic like Jesus.

Aim to understand other’s stories and heart. Remember how Jesus saw his friends’ pain when their brother Lazarus died. Jesus wept—even though He knew He’d raise him from the dead.

 

Ask for help like Jesus.

He didn’t go through it alone—He always relied on His Father. He brought His three closest friends, Peter, James and John to the garden. He shared His heartache and prayer with them in His darkest time. Share your burden with friends, and always turn to God for help.

 

Be selfless like Jesus.

He always served His disciples—and He gave up His life so we could live eternally.

 

Be dependable like Jesus.

He looked out for His followers, building strong connections and teaching us how to have real communities based on love. And now, He gives us His unconditional love.

 

None of us will do this perfectly. But by focusing on being like Jesus, we get out of self-centered ways and catalyze real friendships. 

Want to get started in a deep friendship? Download my free gift, the Level 5 Friendship Playbook.  

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How to Be a Better Friend

There isn’t much in this world better than deep friendship. It gives us happiness, good times and good health. Being a better friend is not only about having fun together, it’s also about being there for the ups and downs, while providing advice and support. It reinforces mankind’s relational nature given by God and reminds us of our purpose—to be more like Him. But it doesn’t always come easy. Sometimes, we have to consider how to be a better friend.

You might have let a guy down when he counted on you. Or more likely, you’ve drifted apart from the friends in your life. You’re all so busy, with full work lives, full family lives and full schedules. But you want to know how to be a better friend and enjoy the bonds of deep friendship again.

Good news! You’ve already taken the first step to find out how you can better yourself. I’ve been speaking about men’s friendships for decades, looking at the research and talking to guys all around the country. Based on everything I’ve learned; these are the five keys to learning how to be a good friend.

“Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other.” —1 John 4:11


5 Keys of Retaining A Fruitful Friendship

  1. Be Intentional – Being intentional in your friendships means actively choosing to invest time, effort, and emotion into it. You have to make a conscious decision to prioritize your friend and their well-being. This might mean setting aside dedicated time for regular catch-ups, checking in on their life, and being present in the moment when you’re together. By showing that you value and prioritize the friendship, you’re demonstrating a sincere commitment to being a better friend.

  2. Be Committed – The best friendships get to a deep level when two or more friends make a clear commitment between friends to be a part of each other’s lives. It means showing up and being reliable, dependable, and dedicated to your friend. When you make plans, honor those commitments. You won’t just pass on a couple weekends with this guy every once in a while. You’ll go through life together and learn how to be a better friend every day.

  3. Be Consistent – Set up a time to meet every week to catch up with your friend and don’t miss it! That’s how to be a good friend for the long haul. It’s vitally important for knowing what’s really going on in the other guy’s heart. You’ll be able to give and receive better insights with intimate knowledge of each other’s dreams and struggles, rely on the continued support and inspire spiritual growth for one another.

  4. Be Open – None of the above will work if you can’t be open with each other. Create a space where everyone can be honest and have vulnerable conversations without the worry of their stuff getting spread publicly. For your part, it means being willing to share your thoughts, feelings, and experiences, as well as actively listening to your friends when they do the same. Once you’ve learned how to be a better friend, you’ll be open to deeper connection and foster a sense of trust for your friendship to grow.

  5. Be Like Jesus – Jesus demonstrated all the behaviors above. He gave us the perfect model to learn how to be a good friend. Study His servant-leadership, compassion, understanding and forgiveness. Ask Him to help you become more like Him, showing unconditional love, patience, and forgiveness. This not only strengthens your bonds but also reflects the love of God in your relationships.

Ready for a deeper dive on how to be a better friend? Download the Playbook for Level 5 Friendship today.

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5 Challenges & Tips for the Middle-Aged Man with No Friends

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Anyone can suffer from loneliness. You might think of yourself as a middle-aged man with no friends and start to feel hopeless. But the truth is many men have a hard time making friends as an adult and feel like they’re missing out on friendship.

You might ask yourself, “Why don’t I have friends?”. There are tons of contributing factors that lead to you being a middle-aged man with no friends.

 

5 Challenges for the Middle-Aged Man with No Friends

 

1. Your career

Many men are ambitious and prioritize their careers. There’s nothing wrong with putting in the time and hard work to create a stable, meaningful life for yourself. But you might have also got caught up with the lie that our society tells us—that we’re only as good as our job. It makes guys spend extra time and effort focusing on their careers when they could be spending time with friends.

 

2. Your family

A lot changes from our twenties and thirties into middle age. Typically, this is when men get married, have children, buy a house, and have to make sure they’re making enough money to keep up with all of that. It doesn’t leave a whole lot of time in your schedule, does it? Plenty of well-connected, affable guys in their 20s turn into middle-aged men with no friends simply because friendships fell by the wayside while they started a family.

 

3. Friends change

When we’re young, many of our friendships simply happen. We were in the same grade, lived in the same dorm room, or played pick-up basketball together. But once we leave those social groups, guys start to move away or follow a different path. Sometimes, you or your friend start to have different interests and values, weakening the friendship until there’s nothing there anymore.

 

4. Social skills

As a middle-aged man with no friends, you might find that your social skills have gotten a little rusty over time. Like with anything, you’re out of practice and don’t have the ease or confidence to navigate the complexities of forging a new friendship as an adult.

 

5. Fear of Rejection

Everyone has fears in their heart and mind. It can be intimidating to jump back into socializing for a middle-aged man with no friends. You might internalize it as a flaw of your own when you ask yourself, “Why don’t I have friends?” or someone doesn’t appear to want to be your friend.

 

5 Tips for Making Friends as a Middle-Aged Man

If you’re wondering, “Why don’t I have friends?” there is hope! Here are some simple steps you can take to rediscover the joys of friendship.

 

1. Self-Reflection

Think about who you are and your story. Sometimes, we have illusions about ourselves. Other times, we have patterns of distancing ourselves or driving others away. It’s not your fault—they usually go back to deep-seated behavior we learned from our parents. Understanding this can free you from these patterns and preconceived limiting ideas about ourselves. It gives you a fresh start when you begin relating to others and building friendships. Instead of wondering, “Why don’t I have friends?” I hope it excites you about the prospect of making friendships.

 

2. Seek Support

If loneliness is affecting your well-being, don’t be afraid to approach a mentor, an elder at your church, your dad or father-in-law, or a therapist. Simply being able to voice these thoughts can go a long way in getting out of your head and getting some good, personalized advice.

 

3. Join Clubs or Groups

What are the hobbies or pastimes that really excite you? Maybe it’s something you haven’t allowed yourself to spend time on while you built your career or started your family. Consider joining a club or group related to your interests so you can meet like-minded individuals.

 

4. Reconnect with Old Friends

You might feel like a middle-aged man with no friends because you’ve moved away or your friends have moved away—and you all have busy lives that have kept you from reconnecting. Reach out to old friends and catch up with them. This can give you the joys of friendship and rebuild your confidence so you can make new ones, too.

 

5. Be Intentional

This is the most important advice. Being intentional about making friends puts you in the vulnerable position of being rejected. But most guys probably feel just like you and would welcome a guy taking the initiative to start a friendship. But it’s so important for another reason—turning a good acquaintance into a true friend is about being intentional about being there for each other, being open, and going through life together.

 

It’s never too late to make friends

Remember, it’s never too late to make new friends and enrich your life with the bonds of friendship. Learn how to achieve deeper friendship and download Playbook for Level 5 Friendship.

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How to Take Your Friendships to the Highest Level

I know you’re busy. Most of us are. We have all sorts of stuff going. Some of us have a business phone full of too many emails and texts as well. Some of us are busy traveling. Most of us check a steady stream of social feeds—Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook—rinse…recycle…repeat. Maybe you’re the guy who enjoys a recreational sport when you can. 

 

Maybe your version of busy has doubled now that you’re a husband or a dad. And as an owner of a home, there’s always something that needs fixing or at least maintenance. Oh, and if your kids are in sports, then you’re too busy to do anything I mentioned in my first paragraph. 

 

Despite all of that, you don’t feel as strong as you would have expected. Maybe you’ve made compromises and slid into negative habits. On top of all of this, you might be realizing that, even though you’re so busy, you’re actually lonely. You miss those days when you had a best friend—someone you spent a bunch of time with, really knew you, and actually had time to be around you. 

 

Guess what? You’re not alone. In fact, it’s been declared an “Epidemic of Loneliness.” Fifteen years ago, researchers started noticing a shift in our social fabric. The US Surgeon General recently declared it a public health crisis. Here are just a few stats:

  • Four in 10 Americans say they don’t have a best friend at all (a 25 percent increase since 1990).
  • Men typically have fewer close friends than women do.
  • The percentage of men without any close friends jumped fivefold to 15 percent in 2021 (from three precent in 1990).
  • 76 percent of men don’t have a close and trusted friend they can share anything with.
  • Success Magazine reports that 61 percent of young adults (age 18-25) feel “serious loneliness.”

 

Don’t worry, I won’t go on further about this discouraging stuff. Instead, I’m going to focus on what you and I really want. Friendship. Finding real friendships makes us better men, prevents many of the dumb things we do, and improves the important things we do in life. 

 

How do you make these deep bonds?

One study reported becoming a best friend takes 300 hours of togetherness. Racking up those hours takes a lot of intention. In fact, I’d argue it’s more about the intentionality than the amount of time. 

 

My friend Dave and I hit it off, we developed a deep friendship after only four calls. I didn’t even meet Dave in person until a couple of months ago, but we’ve been connecting over Zoom. We withhold nothing from each other and pray about everything. We are intentional, that’s the big difference maker. 

 

He’s a Level 5 friend. Level 5 friendship is a concept that came to me while reading Good to Great, a brilliant business leadership book by Jim Collins. In it, he highlights the traits shared among the most influential leaders, what he called “Level 5 leaders.” I realized you could apply the same tiers to types of friendships.

 

Level 5 friends are in it for the long haul. I’ve been benched, traded, cut, and seen my football career go pitch black. I’ve had to fire myself from the non-profit I started. I saw my dad die of cancer. My daughter-in-law underwent brain surgery for a tumor. Sharing my troubles with friends didn’t only lessen the burden, it bonded us together.

 

Time to take your friendship to the next level.

Of course, this type of friendship is not my idea. Like everything good, it started with and belongs to Jesus. Deep transformative friendship is the essential way Jesus lived and worked with men. He changed the world by calling twelve working dudes to be His friends, grew them into friends of each other, and sent them out as teams of brothers. 

 

Huddling with 2-3 men to encourage and equip one another can be one of the most life-giving things in your life. Explore MenHuddle now and see how a group of men can commit to deep friendship and bring each other closer to God.

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Why True Male FRIENDSHIPS are Needed Today

Men are going through a blitz right now—and they need male friendships to turn the obstacles into growth.

For years, technology has been growing all around us, encroaching on our lives and building walls of isolation. It certainly didn’t help when the pandemic arrived, further cutting people off from others and their communities. 

Both men and women are feeling lonely, but we guys aren’t as “comfortable admitting” it, a recent study suggested. Maybe that’s why they carry on without taking action. 3 in 4 men report not having “a close and trusted friend.”

At the same time as loneliness has grown, the #MeToo movement called out some of the widespread abuse of men using their power and influence for their own selfish gratification. The word masculinity became a word charged with all kinds of negative meanings. But masculinity is not inherently toxic. A healthy, positive masculinity can and should be fostered among friends.

 

“As iron sharpens iron,
so one person sharpens another.”

Proverbs 27:17

 

Male Friendships Are More Important Than Ever Right Now

 

Male friendships provide something unique.

If you’re married or in a committed relationship, you know there’s nothing like the closeness between you and your wife or your girlfriend. But even if it’s the central relationship in your life, it shouldn’t be the only close one you have. Male friends can relate to you better in some ways. They can understand some of your dreams and struggles intimately because they’re going through them too. They can even help you grow spiritually as you go through life together.

 

Men miss male friendships.

Many men look back on the glory days of their youth. But more than any athletic accomplishments, they’re nostalgic for spending a bunch of time with a group of guys. Male friendships take up less and less space as family and work take up more. The result is that men feel something is missing, and rightfully so. It’s a camaraderie that brings joy and meaning to our lives.

 

Men need dependable friends who they can be totally honest with.

Men have all kinds of insecurities that they never share with others. They think it will make them look weak and lose the approval that they’re seeking. Nowadays, some men seek to unburden themselves by posting anonymously in an online forum. But you need a true friend you can trust who knows your story—someone who is there to listen to and provide personal advice. 

 

Men need friends to hold each other accountable—and uphold positive masculinity.

Without accountability, men have the tendency to tell half-truths and indulge in destructive behaviors. But a group of men can hold each other, without judgment, to a higher standard of masculinity—one that puts others first and care for them as Jesus cared for His disciples, encouraging them and washing their feet. This way, men can positively use their strength to challenge others to be better. Remember Jesus standing between the angry mob and the woman (John 8:1-11). 

 

 

Stronger Male Friendships Build Stronger Men.

I hope the reasons above give you the courage to make new male friends, remind you to reconnect with an old friend, or compel you to get some guys together for a MenHuddle—that’s what I call a group of friends who have committed themselves to intentional, deep friendship that brings them closer to Jesus. If you’re ready to do that with your male friends, download the Playbook For Level 5 Friendship now. 

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Signs of Self-Isolation and How to Stop It

A man can find himself in a season of self-isolation when he’s without someone to turn to. Some men start self-isolating because they are afraid to be real and show people their insecurities, while others let pride raise them above the reproach of anyone, living on their own self-righteous pedestal. Some have lost hope for carrying out a meaningful purpose in life and waste away alone doing trivial things to stay distracted. 

Whatever the reason, it’s not too late—recognize the signs of self-isolation so you can live the way God wants you to live. To be fully alive. 

 

What are the Signs of Self-Isolation?

 

1) You automatically say “no” to plans. 

You have begun to no longer see the value of spending time with others.

 

2) Numbing yourself with solitary activities.

Hobbies are great and so is a bit of alone time, but you can’t use it as an excuse to avoid others.

 

3) Feeling detached.

You don’t have an interest in connecting with others and have a hard time enjoying their company—even with friends and family.

 

4) Throwing yourself into your work.

This is one of the oldest tricks in the book that men use to self-isolate.

 

5) Not being alone with God.

Are you afraid God will stop you in your tracks and call you into the sometimes difficult world of being with others?

 

6) Worsening mental health.

You don’t enjoy being around others and you feel anxious when you are.

 

7) Poor health.

Scientists have found that a lack of social interaction can lead to all kinds of health risks, including heart disease, increased blood pressure, and dementia.

 

How to Stop Self-Isolation

Giving up the short-term safety of self-isolation is not easy to do. But you have the power to change your mindset and stop self-isolation—and these 5 steps will help.

 

1) Remember that God made humans to be relational beings.

God is a relational being—Jesus came down to earth to demonstrate the way He related to the Father and encouraged us to do the same. Because we are made in the image of God, we are relational by nature, too. From the very beginning of the Bible, God says this Himself: “It’s not right that the man should be alone” (Genesis 2:18).

 

2) Invest in others.

You might self-isolate because you’re disappointed in what you get from others. Instead, take an investor mindset to the people around you. Pour your effort and time into them—not because you expect to get anything back (no one can live up to the expectations we have for them in our minds) but because you want to see them grow. You’ll be amazed how this transforms your ability to give others and the satisfaction it brings you.

 

3) Invest in others.

For one, this will remove any delusions of self-pity. You might have been self-isolating because you’re waiting for someone to notice—when they don’t, you think no one cares, distancing you further. Any true friend will take action and get you out of isolation. Telling others will also keep you accountable when you want to cancel plans. Best of all, though, sharing your struggles will alleviate the burden you’ve been carrying. 

 

4) Get plugged into your community

God doesn’t just ask us to seek Him. He wants us to build community and bring joy to each other’s lives. Join a club or volunteer, so you can make new friends and give back. When you’re alone, you’re always thinking about the next desire you want to fulfill. Shifting your focus to others brings you gratitude, satisfaction, and peace.  

 

5) Be intentional with your friends.

Once you’ve started to pull yourself out of your self-isolation, it’s important to really commit to your friendships. Set aside a time every week or month to get together and be real with one another.

 

What is Level 5 Friendship?

Are you ready to stop self-isolation and find friends in Jesus? Download the Playbook for Level 5 Friendship to get easy-to-follow advice for getting real with others and closer to God.

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